New Year's Eve

So I could dance around this, I guess, but I won't.  I think I fucking hate this holiday.  Don't get me wrong, I'm as sentimental as the next person.  I like the drama and the suspense, the excitement of the year to come.

What I don't like is the unsettled feeling I get when I start realizing that I have nothing to do.  Now before you start ordering your appetizers for my pity party, understand that this is my fault.  I have invitations - not just invitations, but invites to things I would really like to do.  I'm just not doing any of it.  

I wish I had a good reason why.  There is a part of me that says "well, Amy, you aren't 26 anymore, just put your damned PJ's on and go to bed".  But there is that other part that just screams "I hate it up here!!!" really freaking loud, and wonders why in all these years, I haven't managed to find any like minded friends where going to an event for New Year's doesnt require a sleepover. 

I love my life.  I really do.  I have a wonderful husband who loves me to pieces.  I'm one of the lucky stepmoms whose kids don't hate her guts.   And that is why I have decided that I hate this holiday.  Because it makes me unhappy.  It makes me think about all the things I don't have, resent things that I can't control, and takes me away from what should be the calming peace of a happy life.  It makes me think about young Amy, not new Amy.  It convinces me that I was happier then - which I was not.  I was definitely not. 

I'm sure tomorrow will be fine - another day, with another year at the end of my checks.  But today, I just want a bit of a rewind.  I want to need a disco nap at about 8pm.  I want to make sure someone responsible calls "not it".  

Now if I could figure out how to combine THAT with my normal, day to day happy life... THAT would be something!!